Another thing to think about

And this one is a doozy.

So, in the weeks right before and right after she served me with papers we did bits and pieces of couple's counseling.  Invariably, she quit before anything could really get started, while I would continue to talk to the therapists and ministers we were talking with.  But also, invariably, the counselors would come to two conclusions, that seemed rather obvious to everyone, apparently.  Number one was that the two of us should simply never have been allowed to get married because it would NEVER have worked in the long-term between us. 

That one I've thought about a bit.  And it's true.

But the second one I've just ignored: that at some point, probably not too terribly far in the future, she would realize what all she was giving up and come asking me to reconcile. 

That one I haven't thought about much, but I also know I have NO idea what I would say or do if it were to happen.

Because, on one hand, how can I NOT accept?  Her coming back and saying, "Let's not break up our family.  Let's try and make it work."  How could I not try?  How could I justify refusing her as the right thing?

Yet the fact that this might happen someday, and the fact that it would be the right thing to do to accept it doesn't negate the first point.  And that one is pretty important.  Marriage between the two of us will NEVER work in the long-term as long as she is who she is and I am who I am.

Over the last few months I've talked to a lot of people, and grown surprisingly close to some surprising people.  There is one lady who used to work with Madam X.  She and another woman worked very closely together, while the ex worked more by herself, but would stop by often to chat with the other two.  After she would leave the two of them would sit there astonished and say, "Why would ANY woman talk that way about her husband?  Doesn't she know how badly it reflects back on her?"

And these were pretty gossipy people anyway.  And it shocked them.

The last six months before the divorce she would often come to me, angry, and say things like, "Nobody likes you, nobody likes to talk to you, everybody thinks your a jerk, I'm tired of people not wanting to hang out with me because of how badly they dislike you," and I would think to myself, "The people I talk to like me.  It's just the people that know you better than me who feel this way.  The problem isn't me, it's what you are saying about me to anybody who will listen."

But that's who she is.  To this day she believes that NOTHING that ever went wrong in our marriage was at all her fault.  At all.  That all of it was my fault, and that all of it was caused by me being the wrong person.  Her last grasp "attempt" to make things work before the divorce was to say to me, "The only way we can make this work is if you change everything about who you are." 

What kind of person does that?  What kind of person says that?  About six months before the divorce she started seeing a therapist, and then she insisted I see one.  But it was obvious that, to her, the reason I needed a therapist was because everything with me was wrong; and the reason she needed one was to learn how to deal with me. 

That's a level of messed-up that's pretty amazing.  I guess if I was some really, really awful guy that might be all justified.  But I'm not.  I may not be perfect, but I also know I'm, generally, a good guy. 

But, then again, she never really wanted to be married to me at all.  She's told me that, too.

So, when she comes back asking me to reconcile, what do I do?  I know the first time she does it, she'll try to make it on her terms: "If you change everything about you then we can get back together."  Sorry, but no.  But what if -- and this possibility is a lot less certain -- she actually comes back more contrite? 

I don't WANT to have her back.  I'm really OK not being married to her.  I mean, it is going to take YEARS to heal from how much she would tear me down constantly, but already I feel so much better about myself.  So much more comfortable being me.  When you don't have someone you love telling you all the time how much you suck, the world feels a lot better.  I can't go back to that.

I can't go back if her attitude is still that everything was my fault, that she was perfect, and that all the change needs to be in me.  That I will never sign up for.

This is my life????

Not that it's bad.  It's just surprising.  Everything is so new. 

So, this morning, I was asked by Father to serve again at the altar.  That is now the second Sunday I've done this: Palm Sunday and Easter.  Those are kind of big, as far as Sundays go.  I still have no real idea what I'm doing.  But he has confidence in me.  And so does most of the congregation.  They are always so supportive and complementary. 

But it's just really new.  The whole vesting myself is new enough.  But so is all the rest.  And I still don't understand all of it.  It's not bad, just new and different and kind of weird.  So, still scary.

I had my kids on kind of a weird schedule this weekend in order to keep away from what, to my ex-wife, would be the worst thing conceivable: me taking my kids to church.  The handing back and forth got a bit tiring.  But, still, my kids are very happy and are very affectionate with me.  They love me.  And I love them dearly.

I continued my weekly dinner party thing, this time having RS and Therese over for an Easter dinner: leg of lamb, a pilaf with kind of an Azerbijani flavor, and a cream of spinach soup for an opening.  Complex.  Kind of difficult.  I broiled the leg of lamb and the amount of smoke it poured out was astonishing - I thought for sure someone would call the fire department on me.  But it all turned out very nice. 

A nice night with nice friend and good food and good wine, and it was fun. 

But all this: this is my life?  So very, very different from what it was just months ago.  So different that you would have never convinced me then that this is how I would be living.  I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it all - even as I go forward rather boldly with all of it. 

Does that even make sense?  I'm not sure.  Yet, here I am.

Church

So, I really have no intention of this blog going like the last one where it became primarily about debating theology, but I thought I'd mention church a bit, because today is the first day of the Triduum and I had a lot of fun tonight, and because it is actually a rather relevant topic when it comes to my divorce and most especially to the complete reboot of my life.

I am currently a part of a small Anglo-Catholic community.  It's a little church, and for years I would drive by it and say, "I wonder what they are like?  I ought to go see sometime," but never really did.  There was a lot of reasons for my interest, not the least being that I was already (at the point of time I'm discussing) daily doing morning and evening prayer out of the Book of Common Prayer. 

Then, late last spring, things were getting SO bad at church where I was that I decided I NEEDED to go look around a bit.  So, I went by myself and visited.  It was the Sunday before Ascension, if I remember right.  It was nice.  I liked it.  Then, a few months later, I visited again, this time with Therese and, of all people, my ex's current beau, Bluto.  (Who was so uncomfortable he looked like he thought he was being mentally raped just being there.)  That was  the Sunday before July 4th. 

On both occasions, Father was just awesome and welcoming and made a great impression on me.  It's a little church, but beautiful.  And I loved the liturgy. 

So, when my relationship with my old religious affiliation all came to a head and I HAD to choose to go elsewhere, they were the first place that came to mind.

Now, it isn't perfect.  I have some ecclesiastical issues with them - and with the entire continuing Anglican movement since it is all so fractured.  I may not stay there forever.  But, for right now, it is what I need.  Father is one of the most pastoral men I've ever met.  He's awesome.  And it's a very little place, so I quickly got to know everybody.

And having sat down several times to talk through stuff with Father he cleared it with the Bishop to have me be involved and help out even though I haven't, officially, jumped through all the required hoops yet. 

So, on Sunday, the guys that normally help him out were all either sick or out of town.  So, as I was about to sit down he came up and asked, "Can you do me a big favor?"  And I said, "Sure, what?"  And he said, "Can you serve today?" 

And I answered, "I have no idea what to do?"  But he walked me through it and it was fun.

It feels really good to be involved again.  To not be just someone who shows up and sits in the pew, but to be a part of it all.  OK, so it is all new and different and kind of weird, but it's good. 

And he that sat upon the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new."  --Revelation 21:5a

My kids are here...

And all is well.  I love my kids.  They are so different and both so very fun.

The whole way home my daughter had this Star Wars ship, pretending it was some video game controller and the game was to blow EVERYTHING up.  So, she's make laser noises and then inform me that the car in front of me was blown up, so I could go.  Meanwhile, my son is discussing with me (or attempting to) H. G. Well's The Time Machine.  She's 8 going on 4 and he's 11 going on 30.

When we got home, my son started working on homework.  He had math and spelling and stuff, but the big thing is this big project his class is working on. They each had to pick a country in the world and then research it.  They have a paper due, a poster, and several other things, including a "country in a box" which is just a decorated box filled with things either from or representing that country.

My son chose the UK.  Which is just awesome, since I am a rather pathological anglo-phile.  Not sure why, I just always have been.  Even in high school, almost the only music I would listen to were various British imports, from the Beatles to Clapton and the Kinks. 

And, of course, since I am now Anglo-Catholic in religion, I get it all even more deeply. 

So, we sat down and talked through a lot of stuff tonight.  He's just starting the project and was really just making a list of what he needs to research.  He's mainly using encyclopedias, so I basically helped him put together a massive list of people and places and things to look up.  That was fun.  When he presents this he has to do an oral presentation, in costume, and bring some typical food item to share.  He's has already asked me to make some scones, and help him brew up a nice pot of English tea.  This was fun.

So, a good night of bonding with my kids.  It's nice to feel like a father again.

Finances

Not sure I discussed this yet, and while it isn't the most important thing going on, by far, it is still important.

So, X always liked being married to someone who made an engineer's salary.  Not so much the being married to an actual engineer.  But she liked the money part.  A lot. 

I'm a pretty non-materialistic kind of guy and I can live pretty cheap.  She was the one always buying unnecessary crap just because she could.  I had a financial plan that would have had us in an AMAZING place in a couple years if we could just have a little discipline - we would have had the house paid off before my eldest graduated from high school, would have never had to borrow money for vehicles, would have been able to pay just about any college tuition out there, etc.  That was my outlook on our finances. 

Her's was, and I quote, "In a family that makes as much as we do, nobody should ever be allowed to say, 'we don't have the money for that.'"  She would talk about how her friends husbands make SO much less than me yet let their wives spend whatever they want.  I would want to respond, "It's called 'debt', honey," but I restrained myself.  In any event, while I saw my earnings as the path to future security and ease and blessings for our kids, she saw it as a ticket to an unlimited supply of useless crap, crappy clothes, and stripper heels. 

This puts us in an interesting position here on this side of the divorce.  I make a bit more than 90% of our combined income.  She spends somewhere above 65% of our combined income.  Something has to give way here. 

When she first filed papers she said she wanted the house.  That's really OK with me.  A 2200 square-foot house is a bit more than I want to be paying for right now, and considering how much equity we have in it, she'll have to give me just about every other asset we have to buy me out.  So, I can come out with no debt (even mortgage debt), my 401k intact, and a LOT lower living expenses than she has.  That's good.

But because I make so dang much and she makes so little the alimony and child support are going to be through the roof.  Combined, we are looking at upwards of $25k to $30k per year.  That's not so good.  And that is even with the child support being held down a bit by the fact that I'll continue to pay the kids' private school tuition.  Which is another $12k per year I'm on the hook for. 

I keep running my numbers.  I'm living in this little, cheap, kind of crappy apartment.  My utilities are next to nothing.  I don't eat out hardly at all.  The only place I'm spending an excessive amount of money is gas for my truck, since my round trip to work is 30+ miles.  Even so, I'll be brushing up against the edge.  I have no idea at all how she is going to live.  Her expenses are a LOT bigger than mine and even with all that money I'll be sending her every month she'll still be living on a lot less than me. 

Financial tip for anyone out there thinking about divorce: after you divorce you are still going to be making the same amount of money but will now be paying for two places to live AND will have to pay a big chunk of change to lawyers.  These things are not good.  They are not conducive to future financial security.

I'm just tired

First of all, thanks so much to all my bloggy friends who have found me here.  FTN, great to hear from you.  Aphron, glad you came by.  Thanks, everyone, for all your support.  Even that one girl named "Val" that left a comment that I was kind of half thinking was actually making fun of me.  But even if it was, welcome.

So, today.  Today sucked.

Not most of it.  Most of it was awesome.  I went in to see my therapist at 5:00 and I when he asked how I was I said, "I'm good.  I'm actually good.  I think I'm getting a handle on this stuff."

Boy, teach me to jinx it.  I wasn't even out the door with my therapist when one of my friends called me.  So, apparently my ex's boyfriend thought it was appropriate to post something criticizing me on facebook - over an incident he knew next to nothing about.  And he did it in the most insulting terms possible. 

OK.  What do I do?  I tried being mad, but it all just came out tired.  But, seriously, what could I possibly do?  Call him out on it?  How would that do anything other than make it worse?  He (and I'm seriously not making this up) thinks he actually knows both sides of everything going on, despite not actually talking to me for six months.  The friend that called me was talking to both me and Madam X up until about a month ago when the ex de-friended her (in facebook and in real life) for not taking her side on everything.  But up until then, she was talking to us both.  And X's boyfriend had the gall (and insanity) to tell this friend that she had taken her position because she didn't know both sides like he did. 

So, seriously, would talking to someone that detached from reality do anything good?  And would macho bluster over my reputation do anything but make me look even worse?  It's a no-win scenario.  Well, except for that whole "vengence is mine, says the Lord" thing. 

Father at church recommended that I let God handle it.  In his words, "the best way to defeat the assaults of the devil is to ignore them."  And he's right.  But I can't help feeling like a doormat. 

The hardest part

The hardest part of all this is just overcoming the sense of the unreality of all this.  Literally, every day I wake up and I look in the mirror and have to convince myself that, yes, this actually really is happening and, yes, this actually for real is my life.

And every single day, I find myself surprised by that fact.