Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A lot to talk about

I've been out of town on business the last few days.  A lot going on.

First of all, that whole worry about her wanting me back?  Yeah, I'm pretty sure that isn't going to happen anymore.

Not sure how much of this I've talked about, by Madam X's job has some serious ethical clauses in her contract - it's a very deeply Christian, um, non-profit organization let's say.  Anyway, her bosses aren't all that impressed with her behavior lately, when it comes to me, and so she might lose her job.  In order to keep it, they've told her to go do counseling with a minister here in town.  And this minister's response, when he first talked to her, was that he wanted me there, too.  So, he called me and asked and it was the right thing to do, so I went.

Last Saturday was our third session with him.  He was really pushing hard on the, "Won't you just  try and reconcile?" bit, and she wasn't saying anything, so I said, "You know, that depends.  Because there is no way I'd sign back up for how it used to be."

The ex responded, rather icily, "Oh, and how was that?"

So, I told her.  She got angrier and angrier.  Finally the minister let her have her say - let her respond.  And what she said was, "Before that, I have to know, Enzo, if we were to try and reconcile, what is there you are doing right now in your life that you would have to change." 

I answered honestly, "Nothing."

That's when she stormed out.  Then she came back, crying, and told the minister she would meet with him again if she had to to keep her job, but would not if I was there. 

So, I think that put a fork in THAT. 

OK, that's one issue down.  The real big one left in detangling our lives is the financial stuff.  My attorney and I sent her and her attorney a letter with an offer of how we think it should go down.  This was I think a month ago.  We finally got a response back. 

As far as the part I'm most concerned about - how much the alimony and child support will be - there was nothing.  But on the part about dividing assets...  That was interesting.

So, from the beginning she said she wanted to keep the house.  I was OK with that because it's a big, expensive hassle.  That's why I moved into my little apartment.  But now she's realizing these is no way on God's green earth she could ever afford that place by herself.  So, she no longer wants it. 

Instead they are offering to just sell it and split the profits. 

But there is obviously another choice - I could buy her out and move back into my home.  I never even really considered this option because I thought there was no way she'd let it happen.  But now she kind of has to let it happen. 

That would mean that when the kids were with me, they'd be in their own rooms.  That would mean I would be a LOT closer to work and could bike to work again - and I wouldn't have to sell my truck.  I would have my garden back.  I'd be just a couple blocks from church, and just a couple blocks from the kids school. 

In order to do this I would have to give her my ENTIRE 401k, but I'd come away with the real estate.  On which we don't owe all that much. 

OK, so my expenses would go WAY up.  And that is WAY too much house for just me.  And the house isn't in that great a shape and is a big hassle.  But it's my home.  I could go home. 

A lot to consider. 


  1. I understand that X's version of 'what Enzo needs to change' is pretty all-encompassing, but. . .



    I couldn't say that on my own behalf, fersure. . .

  2. OK, Craig had a comment here. I saw it. So, I'll answer it anyway.

    When I said "nothing" I wasn't implying I am or have ever been a perfect husband. What she asked was, what am I DOING and doing NOW that I would have to change in order for her to re-accept me.

    OK, my life right now is go to work, go to church, cook, and spend time with friends. There's not a lot I'm DOING at all, much less anything that is bad and would have to change.

    So, I still think the "nothing" was the right answer

  3. ??? So did you delete Craig's comment???

    Sounds like a win-win situation, you getting to move back home... Money is a small thing to give up, comparatively speaking. (I gave up a lot in order to keep my farm but it was well worth it)

  4. Enzo didn't delete my comment - Blogger did. . .

    I only questioned (tactfully, I hope) the response of 'Nothing' to the question X raised in counseling. On the premise that one can always find something about oneself that could be changed for the better. . .

    And I understand that, right now, today, your life is pretty simple, and there may not be many active 'red flags'.

    What do you think X had in mind when she asked her question?

  5. Behold, I make all things new."

    I've said this before, but thought I'd just do it here too since you posted about it.

    There would be a lot of potential emotional stuff that you and your children would have to deal with, in moving back into your old house. Would you really like to sleep in the same room that you shared with Z all those years? Would it be healthy for your kids to live with constant reminders of what life was like when the family was together, and now their mother isn't there?

    I can't tell you the right choice here, XH. But I just caution you about making a decision that could keep you and/or your kids emotionally stuck in the past.

  6. Therese actually raises a valid point. While I was reading this post, I was thinking to myself, 'I don't think I would want to go back to the old house; too many painful memories there. . .'

    But obviously, you are you and I am me; your life, and your choices, are your own. . .

  7. I've had a lot of back-&-forth myself when it came to the question of keeping my farm...
    Initially, there was no way in Hades that I was going to abandon it so that Ex & his GF could move in (although that's what he was counting on; he thought I would tuck tail & run home to my parents) - probably contributing in large part towards why he became so vindictive in the divorce settlement & later custody battle.
    Nowadays it's more a question of work vs family-life balance, but it's such a great place for my son to (mostly) grow up on that it's worth the minor nostalgic spasms of it being a place that his father & I selected & created...

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