Tuesday, May 31, 2011

So much stuff

Life can be really hard sometimes. 

I've had my kids a lot lately, which is why I haven't got to write much.  It's hard to blog when I have them, especially since the only computer in the house is connected up to the TV as my Netflix box.  In the living room.  Great big TV as a monitor, but not a lot of privacy.

So, both the Ex and Captain America got a bit in trouble with her boss because of some of what's been going on.  They, of course, both blamed it on me - as if no one would ever have any issue with their choices without my influence.  Blamed it on me, and one one of our mutual friends.  Well, used to be mutual - when he and his wife didn't 100% take her side the Ex decided they were evil, too.  Anyway, these formerly mutual friends, who are still my friends, have been two of the most stand-up and simply Christian people I've seen through most of this, and they are catching hell for it.  Captain America called and emailed them with all sorts of nasty nonsense, yelling, accusing, cursing, making threats, etc.  And all because someone else, somewhere, decided on their own that maybe my Ex and her boyfriend haven't acted with integrity sufficient to the ethical clauses in her contract. 

So, now the nasty venom is being spewed at my friends, whose only crime is being associated with me. 

But, on the bright side, her actions are starting to catch some attention, and some of the consequences of those actions are starting to be felt.

That's probably why, last night when she was picking the kids up from the Memorial Day BBQ I took them to, she started crying and asking it I would really try and make it work with her, etc.  No, she doesn't suddenly love me again.  For the first time.  She doesn't actually want me back.  She's just realizing that maybe leaving your engineer husband when you, yourself, have zero marketable skills and when your new boyfriend is starting to be something of an albatross around you neck may not have, all told, been such a well thought-out plan. 

And, no, I really don't want to be back with her; but it is really hard to look my children in the eye when I know I would have a chance at making all this go away for them.  Not that what we had or could have again would truly be better for them.

So, fun week.  Oh, and my friend from high school I mentioned?  Yeah, I had to not be her friend anymore.  After she more or less asked if I would take her if she left her husband for me.  Yeah.  I have a special life. 

But life does go on.  Despite all this, I'm feeling pretty OK about myself right now.  The beginning of last week I was absolutely crushingly depressed.  I don't really know why.  It just hit me with all the hopelessness and everything.  But I'm feeling better about myself now.  Some of it is just time - my moods come and go.  Some of it is that I got to hang with RS this past weekend a bit, and that always cheers me up.  Some of it is that I changed my look a bit - a facial hair thing - and think I look pretty good right now.  And some of it is that I've more or less decided to go ahead and start taking classes again.  Not sure if I can start by the fall, but definitely by next spring I want to be taking stuff.  I love school, and so that would be fun. 

But a lot of it is just having my kids here.  They are a lot of fun.  Even when they are being whiny and not really paying attention or obeying much - like they were today.  They are still fun. 


  1. Oy. . . Just WAY too much fun here. . .

    I had one of my old GFs reappear into my life, after not hearing from her for 10+ years, just after she got divorced. I spent a couple weeks telling her how wonderful my wife was, and how happily-married we were, and she disappeared again pretty quickly (which, I realize, is not your situation; in fact, pretty much the opposite). . .

    As to X, I need to be real careful what I say. I sure understand what you say about your kids. And I'm Catholic, so I'm really not 'down' with divorce. But, were I in your position, I would do my best to stick to my guns that I won't take her back for More of the Same; I wouldn't sign on for a Marriage of Convenience. There'd have to be some really tangible differences from How It Was Before. And that would mean a LOT of hard realtional work for both of you. . .

    And, just for the sake of saying so, it were WAY easier to do the 'Reconciliation' thing before the legal proceedings began in earnest, eh? I mean, easier to fix/strengthen/heal a marriage you've still got, than to scrape the shattered pieces back together. . .

    But, I don't think you need me to tell you that. . .

  2. Wow. That's a whole ton of stuff at once.

    I think you know already that getting back together would be a huge mistake, and wouldn't make things better for the kids in the long run. Divorce hurts kids, but so do marriages where there is only contempt, and one partner doesn't even try to hide that she doesn't love their father. Plus, if you got together, you KNOW she wouldn't stop lying and manipulating, so the kids would see her constantly undermining you and learn that that dynamic is okay. Lots of ways the kids would suffer by getting back together.

    But I know that knowledge doesn't make it easier. I'm sorry about all this.

  3. Maybe I'm just Catholic enough to see a glimmer of SOMETHING - maybe too faint to call HOPE, who knows what - not enough information!
    This has been a hard past few wks for me, w/my BF celebrating her 25th wedding anniversary, closely followed by what would have been the anniversary of my own... Even realizing that I'M much better off w/out him, just seeing faint reflections of nostalgia, what "might have been", coupled w/the concrete knowledge of how much better life would have been for my boy...
    (He's already dreading the upcoming summer visitation as always)

  4. Cut short w/pesky WORK obligations in my attempt to make a coherent commentary...
    But I wanted to insert my plug for meditation/prayer re: this issue; just sit still & contemplate the possibilities of A.) reconciliation or B.) non-reconciliation & see what your visceral response may be...