Life can be really hard sometimes.
I've had my kids a lot lately, which is why I haven't got to write much. It's hard to blog when I have them, especially since the only computer in the house is connected up to the TV as my Netflix box. In the living room. Great big TV as a monitor, but not a lot of privacy.
So, both the Ex and Captain America got a bit in trouble with her boss because of some of what's been going on. They, of course, both blamed it on me - as if no one would ever have any issue with their choices without my influence. Blamed it on me, and one one of our mutual friends. Well, used to be mutual - when he and his wife didn't 100% take her side the Ex decided they were evil, too. Anyway, these formerly mutual friends, who are still my friends, have been two of the most stand-up and simply Christian people I've seen through most of this, and they are catching hell for it. Captain America called and emailed them with all sorts of nasty nonsense, yelling, accusing, cursing, making threats, etc. And all because someone else, somewhere, decided on their own that maybe my Ex and her boyfriend haven't acted with integrity sufficient to the ethical clauses in her contract.
So, now the nasty venom is being spewed at my friends, whose only crime is being associated with me.
But, on the bright side, her actions are starting to catch some attention, and some of the consequences of those actions are starting to be felt.
That's probably why, last night when she was picking the kids up from the Memorial Day BBQ I took them to, she started crying and asking it I would really try and make it work with her, etc. No, she doesn't suddenly love me again. For the first time. She doesn't actually want me back. She's just realizing that maybe leaving your engineer husband when you, yourself, have zero marketable skills and when your new boyfriend is starting to be something of an albatross around you neck may not have, all told, been such a well thought-out plan.
And, no, I really don't want to be back with her; but it is really hard to look my children in the eye when I know I would have a chance at making all this go away for them. Not that what we had or could have again would truly be better for them.
So, fun week. Oh, and my friend from high school I mentioned? Yeah, I had to not be her friend anymore. After she more or less asked if I would take her if she left her husband for me. Yeah. I have a special life.
But life does go on. Despite all this, I'm feeling pretty OK about myself right now. The beginning of last week I was absolutely crushingly depressed. I don't really know why. It just hit me with all the hopelessness and everything. But I'm feeling better about myself now. Some of it is just time - my moods come and go. Some of it is that I got to hang with RS this past weekend a bit, and that always cheers me up. Some of it is that I changed my look a bit - a facial hair thing - and think I look pretty good right now. And some of it is that I've more or less decided to go ahead and start taking classes again. Not sure if I can start by the fall, but definitely by next spring I want to be taking stuff. I love school, and so that would be fun.
But a lot of it is just having my kids here. They are a lot of fun. Even when they are being whiny and not really paying attention or obeying much - like they were today. They are still fun.