Sunday, April 10, 2011

Being of two minds

So, back when a lot of this first started - it was actually the first weekend I had my kids at my place - I asked the kids what they would think if some time in the future, when it was the right time and I was ready, I dated someone new and maybe even eventually get remarried.  I tend to try and think ahead, and was already thinking along those lines for the future, and was concerned about what they would think and feel about it.  I didn't understand yet that one of the strongest dynamics of the new situation is that everything I say to them gets back to Madam X, who then twists it beyond all recognition.  So, what she took from all this is, "Daddy says we'll have a new stepmom soon." 

Which is, obviously, a bit different.

But there's an interesting thing at play here.  One thing I've told just about everyone who would listen one constant mantra since this started (which should have been my first clue that this is something I should explore about myself) that I didn't want this divorce, I didn't start this divorce, and I certainly didn't want my family split up and all this.  Yet, I can also say with complete and total and forceful honesty (like I did tonight at my friends' house) that I am really, really rather glad I'm not married to her anymore. 

Do these two things contradict each other?  Sure.  I'm of two minds about the entire thing, which shouldn't be all that surprising.  On one hand I really, really don't want to be divorced.  On the other, I'm really, really glad I'm not married to her anymore. 

She, of course, can't see that.  When she hears me say anything (or hears of me saying anything) about not wanting this, or any other such equivocation, she immediately interprets it as lies because, if that's how I really felt then I would have never asked the kids what they would think about me dating again.  If I really didn't want to be divorced then I wouldn't even be thinking about dating again. 

Well, so, she doesn't get it.  That's not really all that new.  There's a lot she doesn't get. 

1 comment:

  1. You're a lot like me - my mind races ahead of itself all the time. Obviously, it's WAY premature to be talking to your kids like that; but I sympathize. . .

    The distinction between not wanting to be divorced (ie, not wanting to have to endure all the crap that goes with being divorced, and wanting a stable, life-giving marriage) and not wanting to be married TO HER is plain enough to me. But of course, having been married to her, she's the one you would stand to not be divorced FROM, so I can understand her confusion.

    And I'm sure you understand, better now than you did a couple days ago, that anything you say to your kids should be expected to be repeated to yer X. And that's a good thing; you don't want to cultivate skills of deceit in them. . .