Everything was in place for today to be just awesome. And, for some reason, I'm more depressed that I've been in a long time.
Note: I'm already well on my way to being blind drunk, so if this starts to get a little incoherent, that would be why.
I don't know. I had an easy day at work. Everybody at my company works 9/80 schedules, so we all have every other Friday off, but my rotation on that seems tobe 180 degreees out of phase with everyone else on my team. So, I was there today, and next to nobody else was. Quiet day to myself. Because of how the 9/80 works, even my Fridays on are short - 8 hours instead of the 9 I work Mondays through Thursdays, and being Friday, I fast, which means I don't take a half hour for lunch, either. So, easy, short day.
Fridays are when I get to see my kids (on our current schedule), and that's always good. It seems like forever since Tuesday when I had them last, and I'm always so excited to go pick them up. We always have such fun. Today I've just been blah about it all. We had fun tonight, but it was just so short, and sometimes I just don't know what to do with them. I feel like, our time together is so precious that it has to just be awesome, and that's a lot of pressure. And I can tell, when they are with me, that they are trying really, really hard to be OK but that they really aren't in a lot of ways. I don't know what to do for them, and it scares me a lot.
And today was when my friend got home. Ten weeks. And, with the exception of the one week before she left, it was another four months before that since we really interacted as friends. I'm very excited to have her home, but I'll admit some apprehension. It's been six months since we've really been close. Six months in which a LOT has happened. I don't know how close we still are, and that scares me.
And, I guess, psychologically, I've been kind of surviving here the last three months on the assumption that if I can just be OK, amd make it through until she gets back then somehow that signals that I will, in the end, be OK. It was just some sort of milestone marker in the Project schedule in my head. Well, she's back, but that doesn't mean I've really passed any sort of real milestone. I'm not just all OK by now. It all still sucks. I guess my mind could handle it all when I thought there was an end in sight, but there's not.
And none of that was conscious, of course. I'm just now realizing it all.
And please no one reading this think I'm implying anything inappropriate in my feelings. It's just that everything is so interconnected. It was September when I couldn't be her friend anymore because my wife said I could't, yet even when I chose my wife over my friend (to the point of saying good-bye, I thought possibly forever), things just got worse then. They got worse and kept getting worse. Then the divorce, which sucked, but since she was divorcing me then, hey, that does mean I can be friends with whomever I want again. Right? But the divorce was almost simultaneous with my friend going out of town;and while what I have been going through has been hell, so has what she's been out of town doing. So, I guess my subconsious just made a connection: her hell experience had an end-date, so mine must, too.
But mine doesn't, and life still sucks, and I'm in this massively fragile emotional state which just makes me feel like a loser, and she walks back into town with more self-confidence and emotional strength than I've ever seen in her. What doesn't kill you is supposed ot make you stronger, and that worked with her, but I'm still staggering from the hits I've taken. I guess I just feel like a great big, loser. Like this scared little kid who can't do anything right.
And I just feel so very deeply alone today. I'm walking this path by myself. And there's no one there to pick me up if I fall down. nobody but me. And I'm as tired of having to pick myself back up as I am of falling down again.