Tuesday, March 29, 2011


 First, read the disclaimer

Also, this is the second part of one big, long narrative.

I also know myself enough to know that one reason I NEED sex so much is that the only time I ever feel truly confident with myself and comfortable with myself is when a girl is showing me she really does truly want me - that she truly accepts me - because she's fucking me.  It makes me feel good about myself.  It's about the ONLY that that makes me feel truly good about myself.That means I'm not truly able to enjoy sex - which may be one reason why sexual satisfaction is so hard for me to find.

So, again, like always it comes back to me being able to be happy with myself as I am, and with my life as it is, for real, now.

My focus on women's bodies and beauty and sex instead of a real relationship with a real person has other effects.  I look.  I stare.  I fantasize.  I can even strut around a bit and let them see me.  I can think thoughts about how attractive I am.  But when put in a position to actually talk to an attractive woman - in no matter what situation - I freak out and get nervous and fall apart.

The reason I ended up with Madam X is because I had/have so little real self-confidence when it came to actually dealing with women that I settled for someone not very attractive or stable or likable or of good character, etc, because, since she DIDN'T have these things then I wasn't really attracted to her which means I wasn't nervous.  Which means I could actually interact with her on a somewhat normal level.

This realization is amazing.  I always wondered why with my previous girlfriends I, on one hand, was always this hopelessly romantic boyfriend buying them stuff all the time, but on the other hand, was always freaking out over EVERYTHING; but I had none of this with Madam X.  With girls I actually liked, I would try really hard to get them to like me and yet never truly believed they did - and that lack of confidence drove all that.  Try hard, but freak out and all because on one hand I NEEDED her, but on the other I never believed she really loved me.  And with X that was always different - because I KNEW she liked me more than I did her.

[Side note: most of the experiences I'm talking about here were before X, which means a long time ago when I was just a screwed up kid.  I know I've grown up a lot since then.  Doesn't mean exploring this is irrelevant.]

There's a lot screwed up with that, too, and in both cases I was being driven totally by my own needs and wants and feelings and that's hella selfish.  I should be nice and romantic and loving because I know the girl loves me.  It should be driven by confidence, not the lack of it.  I should never be with a girl I don't like, if a girl is with me I should trust it is because she wants to be, and if she doesn't I should be OK (sadness is probably OK, though) because I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want me.

But, more than anything, I HAVE to just get over myself.  I've been treating all these women my entire life based on my own insecurities and selfishness.  I've been nice because I'm insecure.  When I'm secure, I take them (her) for granted a bit.  And my security or insecurity is based on one and only one thing: her physical attractiveness.  I want/demand an attractive girl, I think I deserve a very hot girl, and yet I have NEVER trusted that someone attractive would ever actually want me and be satisfied with me.

That's screwed up.

And, again, it all comes back down to being happy and content with myself and my life as they are; and confidence in both.

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