Monday, March 28, 2011

OK, that's great an all..

...but now that I've analyzed WHAT is happening and everything, the question is: how do I feel about it all?  That's what I'm losing touch with.

When I told RS the other night about a lot of this stuff, especially the stuff with her boyfriend, he looked at me kind of funny and then asked why I wasn't acting angry at all.  And the answer is, because I'm not.  AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!  Why am I not mad?  The guy was my FRIEND, or supposed to be anyway, and while this wasn't his doing, he was certainly a factor in the complete collapse of my life as I knew it.  Why am I not mad?

I don't know.  I ought to be.  I ought to be raging.  But I'm not.  I'm calm and cool and that's just not normal.

And why am I not mad at her?  After all the stuff she's said about me, and all.  She's made getting almost ANY time with the kids like pulling teeth.  But I'm not mad.  She calls up and asks for help, and I don't have the slightest hesitation.  It's not that I still want her.  I don't.  But I don't know why I'm not mad.

I know I'm kind of lonely, but that's normal.  And I'm not THAT lonely.  And not only because I have good friends who only give me a couple nights a week where I'm not doing something.  I'm actually kind of enjoying time by myself.  I'm not unhappy.

But why not?  I know that I miss my kids terribly.  But I'm pretty sure that they and I will all be OK.

I feel embarrassed and ashamed over the failure of my marriage.  Oh, I now fall into THAT demographic.  Like I should have been better and done better.  I also miss all the things I thought were in my future and obviously are not: like it is now pretty unlikely that no matter how quickly was to find a new girl and marry her that I would ever experience a 50th wedding anniversary.  That was always out there in my future and now it's not.  Instead, my future has split Christmases with my kids forever.  And that is sad.

I know there is fear.  Of what might happen.  I am terrified at the thought of growing old alone.  I also have hope for the future - that I can, eventually, find someone new and great and all - but that's a potentiality not a certainty but what is a certainty is that I WILL grow old.

There's just so much change it is hard to even begin to emotionally get my heart around the whole thing.  It's just too big.  I never even considered the possibility that I could ever honestly say that I have no idea what is in my own head and in my own heart.  I don't KNOW what I feel about a lot of this, and what I am feeling (or not feeling) doesn't make any sense.  I don't know.  How can you not even know what is in your own head?


  1. I don't know. . . I think it's entirely possible to overanalyze all this.

    I never had much of an emotional reaction to my parents' divorce. Everything I've ever read has told me I'm supposed to be devastated by it, and I'm sure it's had its effects on me, but I've never felt any particular emotions about it, one way or the other. I was disappointed that my mom left, it was weird living without her (and Dad wasn't much of a cook). But I never felt angry, or abandoned, or anything like that, that I'm told I was supposed to feel. Dad remarried, I picked up a few step-siblings, and la-la, how the life went on. . .

    I wouldn't worry too much about how you feel, or don't feel (and your comment the other day about your redneck, white-trash former in-laws betrays at least some anger. . .) You can make yourself crazy trying to figure out your feelings. . .

    And heck, maybe you're just emotionally a little numb. That wouldn't be so crazy, would it?

  2. I think Craig is onto something, you're very likely a little numb- it's a huge change, no matter how you slice & dice it, right?

    Also- so what, if for a bit, you "don't know" your own head? You're still you, functioning, doing your thing, which includes adjusting to new situation and reality and future, who says you need to know it all now?

    What I mean, is that in six months- six days- six years- you may see clearly what isn't obvious to you know, and that's okay.

  3. Yes, Craig, I know I an overanalyzing this. That's what I do. That's who I am. Can't really help it at this point.

    But, yeah, numb is a good word.