Saturday, March 26, 2011

Don't think all this change means everything is bad and sucks

...there are always silver linings.

Not everything is bad.  I actually like living in my own place.  The ex was a complete and total slob who really did nothing at all as far as house work.  My inner neat-freak was screaming for 11 years.  Now, I am free to not live in filth.

Another thing is, as I've stated before, my marriage wasn't all that pleasant before.  Not for a long time.  If ever.  I actually have the opportunity to find someone else who isn't evil.  And probably prettier than she is, too.

Another: I'm a fairly non-materialistic guy and rather thrifty - she is not.  As crazy as it sounds, I may come out of this, when all is said and done, the better for it all, in a financial sense.  Sure, she'll take half the assets, and sure I'll have to cut her a massive check every month for a while, but she's also taking a massive share of the expenses.  I still have my peak earning years ahead of me, and if things go how they appear they will, I will probably come out of this with my 401k intact.

Another: since I no longer have to worry about her issues and her opinions, I am now free to fully explore where God is leading me in the religious sense.  Considerations of her opinions and views DID hold me back in a lot of ways, that I know is a fact.  And now I am free to follow His leading.

Similarly, in most every way I am more free to be who I am.  She never really liked who I actually am.  She liked the fact that engineers make good money, but never actually seemed to like actual engineers.  Especially me.  Not when I acted like an engineer.  I have a friend I work with at my new job and he has got to be king of all the geeks (in a good way, in my opinion - I think he's an awesome and fun guy) and when he is around his wife you can tell she not only puts up with his geekiness, she loves him for it.  He'll say something so completely geeky it's almost around the bend, and she just beams.  There's loving someone in spite of their quirks, and then there is loving someone for their quirks.  And then there was my ex who sometimes would put up with my quirks, but not most of the time, so I really did not have the freedom to actually be myself.  I always had to carefully try and be someone else.  And now I don't have to.

Another good thing: I actually have free time.  At first that was the most scary part of all this.  The what am I going to do with all the time? question.  But now I kind of like it.  My friend calls up and wants to play paintball.  Why not?  Another friend wants to get together for dinner.  OK.  Not like I have anything big I can't postpone.  And even more cool is that I actually have time to read.  For myself.  I haven't had that in almost a decade.

Another: I LOVE to cook.  I adore cooking.  It is one of the most relaxing things I know of.  Before, I would cook occasionally, but the ex never wanted to eat what I would make.  Mainly because if it wasn't exactly the same as the boring, bland stuff she grew up with she refused to even consider that it might be good.  New was bad and scary to her.  New anything.  So, I would get this bug to cook and would and then face this complete disapproval.  Cooking for someone who cannot ever at all find it in themselves to appreciate it is not fun.  But now I can cook for myself, and I can cook whatever I want.  Seafood (which I love and she despises)?  Sure.  Really spicy stuff (which I love and she hates)?  As much as I can stand.  Weird new cuisine from various cultures around the world?  Why not?  I LOVE the new.  I think new is good and exciting and adventureous.  So, last week I made a lamb pilaf with this Azerbaijani flair in terms of seasonings and spices.  And it was AWESOME.  I couldn't have gotten away with even having half those ingredients in the house before.

So, while there certainly is a lot to fear in the future for me, from one perspective (I am terrified of the thought of growing old alone), in general the future does look bright.  I can have actual real hope for the first time in a very long time -- hope not in a fantasy world of how things might be if she were to decide to be different, but actual real hope.

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