So, there's a lot of adaptation I have to do in all this. A lot of stuff that has to change that I never even thought of. A lot of habits I have to break.
Like, for instance, I'm at some friends' house tonight, and I keep feeling like I have some place to be. When I leave I look at my watch and curse how late it is...before I realized there was no place I had to be, no one who would be mad I was out that late, and nobody who would have known if I'd stayed longer. Besides my friends, that is. I'm so used to being...well, on a leash is how I'd put it right now. I'm so used to being answerable to someone else who would be mad if I spent time with my friends.
Another one: I'm so used to someone else keeping my calender and telling me when I have to be places. I keep almost forgetting appointments and stuff because I'm used to that being someone else's job.
Another one: I'm used to consulting someone else's opinion before I make decisions, big or small, and so now I'm having to do them all by myself and it's hard.
Showing posts with label new life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new life. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
So...
...what to talk about.
So, I feel better about stuff that I did a few days ago. My emotions right now are like the stock market - or how we hope the stock market is, anyway. It has its ups and downs, but the general, long-term trend is up. I am getting better, but I still fall down a lot.
But I'm doing better.
So, let's talk about my new job. That's a topic I haven't explored a lot yet.
In my old job I was, basically, a software engineer. The software I was writing had an intimate connection with engineering hardware -- so it wasn't a purely software sort of job, like writing windows applications or iPhone apps would be -- but it was still mostly about writing code. I'm very, very good at writing code. Not the ins and outs of syntax and little tricks with the compilers or whatever. That's not me. But being able to quickly whip up a nice, little script that would do what we wanted right then - that's me. OK, someone who WAS the expert ins and outs of syntax and who knew all the tricks would have to come around and clean it up to make it run with any sort of efficiency. But the functionality -- the designing of the algorithms -- that was all me.
It was a fun job, that I enjoyed a lot, and that I was very, very good at.
But the economy being what it is, that company started having issues. They started laying people off. A lot of people. But they did it really slowly and, well, wrong. Instead of saying, "Over the next year we will only have work for X people, so we have to lay Y off," they would say, "What is the MOST people we can support at all this month, giving us the LEAST number we have to lay off right now."
OK, so they were trying to be nice and lay off as few as possible, but it meant that the next month they had to come around again and do another round of lay offs. And another one the next month. And so on and so forth for, like, a year. Over that time we lost half our staff.
Really scary, and all the worst because there was never one big cut and then it was over. It just kept going on. We all got REALLY tired of looking over our shoulder.
So, I decided to be pro-active and start looking around for something else on my own. Well, I had talked about it. But then, before I had even gotten around to sending out one resume or applying to one posting, out of the blue a former colleage called me. He had seen which way the wind was blowing a LONG time before that, and had left then. The place he was now working at is a kind of quasi-government sort of place (we always say it feels like the center between private industry, government, and academia). The project he was working on needed someone with a particular skill set and asked him if he knew anyone with it, and he thought of me and gave them my name.
I applied and got the job. Yay me. Nice, big increase in pay, too.
But the job, I quickly learned, was not software engineering. It is systems engineering. Highly related, yet very, very different. What my manager wanted was someone who knew the software world I came from - the ins and outs, what it takes to do it, and how to apply it to these sorts of applications - and to then relate all that to the rest of the project.
So, I don't get to write code anymore. At all. (I've even been forbidden by my manager from even loading the programs necessary to write any of it on my computer.) Instead, I write requirements. I write systems engineering plans. I plan configuration management schemes and release schedules. I help formulate test plans and requirements verification matrices.
Good work. Easy work - a lot easier than what I was doing before. A lot higher level, a lot more management-oriented. A lot more being the guy in charge. But, wow, do I ever miss writing code!
Don't get me wrong, I love my new job. I've described my job to people as mainly consisting of going to meetings and then acting like I know what I'm talking about. How easy is that? I write power point charts a lot. It's easy. Kind of boring. But easy.
The issue is that it is just SO different from what I did before. I know what skills I had then, and I had a LOT of confidence in them. This job...not so much. Half the time I'm expecting my manager to come in and say I just wasn't really who they were looking for and so I have to go. Which isn't going to actually happen - whenever I DO talk to my manager she raves about how everyone thinks I'm so great. But, still, it's been a hard adaptation.
Especially since in my former job, someone else would figure out what needed to be done and then tell me and I would do it. Alone and by myself. Now, I'm having to figure out what to do, but then I have to delegate it all to someone else. And that's hard. Now, I have the responsibility of telling them to do the RIGHT thing, and if it's not, then I screwed up - yet I don't have control of the actual process, so I can't fix it if it is wrong.
Plus it is, as a job, a lot more people-oriented. And I speak code a lot better than I speak people.
But I seem to be doing well, by the standards and opinions of the group/company. So, I don't think I have anything to worry about. Just another weird change.
So, I feel better about stuff that I did a few days ago. My emotions right now are like the stock market - or how we hope the stock market is, anyway. It has its ups and downs, but the general, long-term trend is up. I am getting better, but I still fall down a lot.
But I'm doing better.
So, let's talk about my new job. That's a topic I haven't explored a lot yet.
In my old job I was, basically, a software engineer. The software I was writing had an intimate connection with engineering hardware -- so it wasn't a purely software sort of job, like writing windows applications or iPhone apps would be -- but it was still mostly about writing code. I'm very, very good at writing code. Not the ins and outs of syntax and little tricks with the compilers or whatever. That's not me. But being able to quickly whip up a nice, little script that would do what we wanted right then - that's me. OK, someone who WAS the expert ins and outs of syntax and who knew all the tricks would have to come around and clean it up to make it run with any sort of efficiency. But the functionality -- the designing of the algorithms -- that was all me.
It was a fun job, that I enjoyed a lot, and that I was very, very good at.
But the economy being what it is, that company started having issues. They started laying people off. A lot of people. But they did it really slowly and, well, wrong. Instead of saying, "Over the next year we will only have work for X people, so we have to lay Y off," they would say, "What is the MOST people we can support at all this month, giving us the LEAST number we have to lay off right now."
OK, so they were trying to be nice and lay off as few as possible, but it meant that the next month they had to come around again and do another round of lay offs. And another one the next month. And so on and so forth for, like, a year. Over that time we lost half our staff.
Really scary, and all the worst because there was never one big cut and then it was over. It just kept going on. We all got REALLY tired of looking over our shoulder.
So, I decided to be pro-active and start looking around for something else on my own. Well, I had talked about it. But then, before I had even gotten around to sending out one resume or applying to one posting, out of the blue a former colleage called me. He had seen which way the wind was blowing a LONG time before that, and had left then. The place he was now working at is a kind of quasi-government sort of place (we always say it feels like the center between private industry, government, and academia). The project he was working on needed someone with a particular skill set and asked him if he knew anyone with it, and he thought of me and gave them my name.
I applied and got the job. Yay me. Nice, big increase in pay, too.
But the job, I quickly learned, was not software engineering. It is systems engineering. Highly related, yet very, very different. What my manager wanted was someone who knew the software world I came from - the ins and outs, what it takes to do it, and how to apply it to these sorts of applications - and to then relate all that to the rest of the project.
So, I don't get to write code anymore. At all. (I've even been forbidden by my manager from even loading the programs necessary to write any of it on my computer.) Instead, I write requirements. I write systems engineering plans. I plan configuration management schemes and release schedules. I help formulate test plans and requirements verification matrices.
Good work. Easy work - a lot easier than what I was doing before. A lot higher level, a lot more management-oriented. A lot more being the guy in charge. But, wow, do I ever miss writing code!
Don't get me wrong, I love my new job. I've described my job to people as mainly consisting of going to meetings and then acting like I know what I'm talking about. How easy is that? I write power point charts a lot. It's easy. Kind of boring. But easy.
The issue is that it is just SO different from what I did before. I know what skills I had then, and I had a LOT of confidence in them. This job...not so much. Half the time I'm expecting my manager to come in and say I just wasn't really who they were looking for and so I have to go. Which isn't going to actually happen - whenever I DO talk to my manager she raves about how everyone thinks I'm so great. But, still, it's been a hard adaptation.
Especially since in my former job, someone else would figure out what needed to be done and then tell me and I would do it. Alone and by myself. Now, I'm having to figure out what to do, but then I have to delegate it all to someone else. And that's hard. Now, I have the responsibility of telling them to do the RIGHT thing, and if it's not, then I screwed up - yet I don't have control of the actual process, so I can't fix it if it is wrong.
Plus it is, as a job, a lot more people-oriented. And I speak code a lot better than I speak people.
But I seem to be doing well, by the standards and opinions of the group/company. So, I don't think I have anything to worry about. Just another weird change.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Tonight was fun
So, as part of my quest to actually have a life, instead of to just exist and survive, I decided to start having people over once a week. To cook and have them over and do the dinner party/entertaining thing. I started by asking over some friends I met through work. The wife and I work very closely together, and she's kind of adopted me. She calls me her "work son." Her husband is an awesome guy, and the two have quickly become pretty good friends of mine.
They had me over a few weeks ago, and I decided to return the favor. It was fun. I got to cook good stuff and pretend I have class and am all fancy, and got to have a nice evening of conversation.
It's certainly a good way for me to try and repay just a little bit all the people who have been there for me so deeply the past few months, and who have given of themselves to help me out. I'll start with this couple, and make my through my list of people I owe debts of gratitude to week by week. It's fun.
They had me over a few weeks ago, and I decided to return the favor. It was fun. I got to cook good stuff and pretend I have class and am all fancy, and got to have a nice evening of conversation.
It's certainly a good way for me to try and repay just a little bit all the people who have been there for me so deeply the past few months, and who have given of themselves to help me out. I'll start with this couple, and make my through my list of people I owe debts of gratitude to week by week. It's fun.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I said I would post everyday...
...so, dang it, I'm gonna write something if it kills me.
So, the thing that's really bugging me right now is that both of my parents are really wigging out over everything. My dad called me the other night and started asking why my lawyer didn't coach me before I went into the mediation or something like that, and the second-guessing of me and my actions and decisions (as if I, again, am not just quite perfect which means I'm not just quite good enough) was too much, and I kind of yelled at him to leave it alone, that I really couldn't deal with that right then.
I called the next day to apologize and he was all, "Lesson learned, I won't talk to you about your divorce ever again." Which is SUCH an over-reaction.
Don't really know what to do with that. So, I haven't called him back.
But I called my mom to ask for some meal ideas for the dinner party I'm hosting over here on Sunday for a couple I know from work, and in the middle of the conversation she wanted to start talking about church stuff, and why I left the Church of Christ, and how she's all emotional and worried about it, and how she can never tell that to my grandma because she would die, etc. I basically told her to knock it off, too.
Don't know what to do with that, either.
So, the thing that's really bugging me right now is that both of my parents are really wigging out over everything. My dad called me the other night and started asking why my lawyer didn't coach me before I went into the mediation or something like that, and the second-guessing of me and my actions and decisions (as if I, again, am not just quite perfect which means I'm not just quite good enough) was too much, and I kind of yelled at him to leave it alone, that I really couldn't deal with that right then.
I called the next day to apologize and he was all, "Lesson learned, I won't talk to you about your divorce ever again." Which is SUCH an over-reaction.
Don't really know what to do with that. So, I haven't called him back.
But I called my mom to ask for some meal ideas for the dinner party I'm hosting over here on Sunday for a couple I know from work, and in the middle of the conversation she wanted to start talking about church stuff, and why I left the Church of Christ, and how she's all emotional and worried about it, and how she can never tell that to my grandma because she would die, etc. I basically told her to knock it off, too.
Don't know what to do with that, either.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Food
OK, this may float like a lead balloon, but since I mentioned cooking below, and how much I love it, and how therapeutic I find it, I thought I'd mention some of what I've been cooking lately. And, if it takes, then I may keep this up.
Since I moved out of the house and into my own apartment, I have made:
Since I moved out of the house and into my own apartment, I have made:
- Shrimp Creole
- My brother's kick-ass taco salad
- Mjedderah
- Red beans and rice
- Butter pie
- Steak and Guiness pie
- Welsh rabbit
- Jambalya
- A homemade mac and cheese, with the cheese sauce made with a blend of edam, feta, parmeasan, and Danish blue cheese
- Quiche
- Lamb pilaf
- Homemade pizza
- And a homemade and rather authentically Italian spaghetti sauce
Another one
Oh yeah, one more silver lining. How could I forget this one? I never, ever, EVER have to deal with my crazy, red-neck, white-trash inlaws again. Ever. That alone makes my life eleventy-eight times better than it was before.
So, I saw this yesterday...
... and it really spoke to me: The Five Friends Who Will Get You Through Divorce
Good stuff.
Do I have these five friends? Well, let's see.
1) The Vault. The person who just listens. I have several people who fulfill this role in some form or another, but nobody who just does it all. I certainly do not have a shortage of people to talk about how I'm feeling right now. My priest at church to start with.
2) The Entertainer: Right now this position is being fulfilled rather admirably by RS, who a lot of people around these parts know pretty well. He's a bit more laid back about things than the author's entertainer, but whether it is paintball or movies or just hanging out and watching TV, he's the one watching out for this side of me. And I appreciate it more than I can say.
3) The Taskmaster: This is the one I DON'T need. I've kept that part up rather well, I think. Mainly because stepping out of the emotional side and focusing on the numbers and procedures is a defense mechanism related to my depersonalization of things.
4) Your First Single-Parent Friend. This one I need. Badly.
5) The Fountain of Youth: The one who has known you forever. That's an interesting thought. I mean, I talk to my brother a lot, and he certainly qualifies here. He's good. But one of the first things I did when all this went down is reach out to a friend of mine from college that I hadn't talked to in a decade. She was one of my best friends during the time when I first met the ex and got married, and so I reached out, mainly, to ask, "Who was I back then, before her?" Because how else will I know who to be NOW? That was an awesome friendship to rekindle.
So, what do I take away from this? Go find a single-parent support group or message board or some sort of community thing I can plug into. Maybe through church? If not the exact group/parish I'm in now (which is absolutely tiny) certainly somewhere in town in the same general religious genre.
Edit: I updated the link to the original blog it appeared on.
Good stuff.
Do I have these five friends? Well, let's see.
1) The Vault. The person who just listens. I have several people who fulfill this role in some form or another, but nobody who just does it all. I certainly do not have a shortage of people to talk about how I'm feeling right now. My priest at church to start with.
2) The Entertainer: Right now this position is being fulfilled rather admirably by RS, who a lot of people around these parts know pretty well. He's a bit more laid back about things than the author's entertainer, but whether it is paintball or movies or just hanging out and watching TV, he's the one watching out for this side of me. And I appreciate it more than I can say.
3) The Taskmaster: This is the one I DON'T need. I've kept that part up rather well, I think. Mainly because stepping out of the emotional side and focusing on the numbers and procedures is a defense mechanism related to my depersonalization of things.
4) Your First Single-Parent Friend. This one I need. Badly.
5) The Fountain of Youth: The one who has known you forever. That's an interesting thought. I mean, I talk to my brother a lot, and he certainly qualifies here. He's good. But one of the first things I did when all this went down is reach out to a friend of mine from college that I hadn't talked to in a decade. She was one of my best friends during the time when I first met the ex and got married, and so I reached out, mainly, to ask, "Who was I back then, before her?" Because how else will I know who to be NOW? That was an awesome friendship to rekindle.
So, what do I take away from this? Go find a single-parent support group or message board or some sort of community thing I can plug into. Maybe through church? If not the exact group/parish I'm in now (which is absolutely tiny) certainly somewhere in town in the same general religious genre.
Edit: I updated the link to the original blog it appeared on.
Don't think all this change means everything is bad and sucks
...there are always silver linings.
Not everything is bad. I actually like living in my own place. The ex was a complete and total slob who really did nothing at all as far as house work. My inner neat-freak was screaming for 11 years. Now, I am free to not live in filth.
Another thing is, as I've stated before, my marriage wasn't all that pleasant before. Not for a long time. If ever. I actually have the opportunity to find someone else who isn't evil. And probably prettier than she is, too.
Another: I'm a fairly non-materialistic guy and rather thrifty - she is not. As crazy as it sounds, I may come out of this, when all is said and done, the better for it all, in a financial sense. Sure, she'll take half the assets, and sure I'll have to cut her a massive check every month for a while, but she's also taking a massive share of the expenses. I still have my peak earning years ahead of me, and if things go how they appear they will, I will probably come out of this with my 401k intact.
Another: since I no longer have to worry about her issues and her opinions, I am now free to fully explore where God is leading me in the religious sense. Considerations of her opinions and views DID hold me back in a lot of ways, that I know is a fact. And now I am free to follow His leading.
Similarly, in most every way I am more free to be who I am. She never really liked who I actually am. She liked the fact that engineers make good money, but never actually seemed to like actual engineers. Especially me. Not when I acted like an engineer. I have a friend I work with at my new job and he has got to be king of all the geeks (in a good way, in my opinion - I think he's an awesome and fun guy) and when he is around his wife you can tell she not only puts up with his geekiness, she loves him for it. He'll say something so completely geeky it's almost around the bend, and she just beams. There's loving someone in spite of their quirks, and then there is loving someone for their quirks. And then there was my ex who sometimes would put up with my quirks, but not most of the time, so I really did not have the freedom to actually be myself. I always had to carefully try and be someone else. And now I don't have to.
Another good thing: I actually have free time. At first that was the most scary part of all this. The what am I going to do with all the time? question. But now I kind of like it. My friend calls up and wants to play paintball. Why not? Another friend wants to get together for dinner. OK. Not like I have anything big I can't postpone. And even more cool is that I actually have time to read. For myself. I haven't had that in almost a decade.
Another: I LOVE to cook. I adore cooking. It is one of the most relaxing things I know of. Before, I would cook occasionally, but the ex never wanted to eat what I would make. Mainly because if it wasn't exactly the same as the boring, bland stuff she grew up with she refused to even consider that it might be good. New was bad and scary to her. New anything. So, I would get this bug to cook and would and then face this complete disapproval. Cooking for someone who cannot ever at all find it in themselves to appreciate it is not fun. But now I can cook for myself, and I can cook whatever I want. Seafood (which I love and she despises)? Sure. Really spicy stuff (which I love and she hates)? As much as I can stand. Weird new cuisine from various cultures around the world? Why not? I LOVE the new. I think new is good and exciting and adventureous. So, last week I made a lamb pilaf with this Azerbaijani flair in terms of seasonings and spices. And it was AWESOME. I couldn't have gotten away with even having half those ingredients in the house before.
So, while there certainly is a lot to fear in the future for me, from one perspective (I am terrified of the thought of growing old alone), in general the future does look bright. I can have actual real hope for the first time in a very long time -- hope not in a fantasy world of how things might be if she were to decide to be different, but actual real hope.
Not everything is bad. I actually like living in my own place. The ex was a complete and total slob who really did nothing at all as far as house work. My inner neat-freak was screaming for 11 years. Now, I am free to not live in filth.
Another thing is, as I've stated before, my marriage wasn't all that pleasant before. Not for a long time. If ever. I actually have the opportunity to find someone else who isn't evil. And probably prettier than she is, too.
Another: I'm a fairly non-materialistic guy and rather thrifty - she is not. As crazy as it sounds, I may come out of this, when all is said and done, the better for it all, in a financial sense. Sure, she'll take half the assets, and sure I'll have to cut her a massive check every month for a while, but she's also taking a massive share of the expenses. I still have my peak earning years ahead of me, and if things go how they appear they will, I will probably come out of this with my 401k intact.
Another: since I no longer have to worry about her issues and her opinions, I am now free to fully explore where God is leading me in the religious sense. Considerations of her opinions and views DID hold me back in a lot of ways, that I know is a fact. And now I am free to follow His leading.
Similarly, in most every way I am more free to be who I am. She never really liked who I actually am. She liked the fact that engineers make good money, but never actually seemed to like actual engineers. Especially me. Not when I acted like an engineer. I have a friend I work with at my new job and he has got to be king of all the geeks (in a good way, in my opinion - I think he's an awesome and fun guy) and when he is around his wife you can tell she not only puts up with his geekiness, she loves him for it. He'll say something so completely geeky it's almost around the bend, and she just beams. There's loving someone in spite of their quirks, and then there is loving someone for their quirks. And then there was my ex who sometimes would put up with my quirks, but not most of the time, so I really did not have the freedom to actually be myself. I always had to carefully try and be someone else. And now I don't have to.
Another good thing: I actually have free time. At first that was the most scary part of all this. The what am I going to do with all the time? question. But now I kind of like it. My friend calls up and wants to play paintball. Why not? Another friend wants to get together for dinner. OK. Not like I have anything big I can't postpone. And even more cool is that I actually have time to read. For myself. I haven't had that in almost a decade.
Another: I LOVE to cook. I adore cooking. It is one of the most relaxing things I know of. Before, I would cook occasionally, but the ex never wanted to eat what I would make. Mainly because if it wasn't exactly the same as the boring, bland stuff she grew up with she refused to even consider that it might be good. New was bad and scary to her. New anything. So, I would get this bug to cook and would and then face this complete disapproval. Cooking for someone who cannot ever at all find it in themselves to appreciate it is not fun. But now I can cook for myself, and I can cook whatever I want. Seafood (which I love and she despises)? Sure. Really spicy stuff (which I love and she hates)? As much as I can stand. Weird new cuisine from various cultures around the world? Why not? I LOVE the new. I think new is good and exciting and adventureous. So, last week I made a lamb pilaf with this Azerbaijani flair in terms of seasonings and spices. And it was AWESOME. I couldn't have gotten away with even having half those ingredients in the house before.
So, while there certainly is a lot to fear in the future for me, from one perspective (I am terrified of the thought of growing old alone), in general the future does look bright. I can have actual real hope for the first time in a very long time -- hope not in a fantasy world of how things might be if she were to decide to be different, but actual real hope.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Other things new and different
More of these keep occurring to me.
Before, I would spend quite a bit of time watching TV. I wasn't quite a couch potato, but I'd watch the History Channel, and the few good things on SciFi (I refuse to use the new name), and I would watch a lot of sports. Now, while I have a TV, for the first time in my life (really!) I don't have cable. I have the TV hooked up to the computer and do netflix and hulu and the new Amazon streaming thing. Which means, on mornings like today I can't grab the remote and just surf around until I find something interesting on. I have to know what I want to watch and then go find it.
Speaking of TV and sports, I've always been a big college basketball fan, and so March Madness has been a favorite time of year for me. Every year since my oldest was born, me and the now-ex, and whichever kids were old enough to speak filled out brackets. Then, the first two days of games the ex would take off work to watch them on TV, while I would most of the time move my laptop into the breakroom at work and work in there for two days, watching them on the TV in there. This year: no one to do brackets, no breakroom to watch the games in, and no cable to watch them on at home. And, for some reason, I really don't care. I haven't even tried to watch any of it this year -- and that counts for the entire season. Too much other stuff going on.
Last year at this time -- as in past years -- I'd be spending March planting seeds in pots in my kitchen window and getting all the lawn equipment and sprinkler system in working order. Then, around the end of March, beginning of April I'd have to start weekly yard work, as well as starting up my garden for the year. This year, I live in an apartment, and I don't even have any South-facing windows to do a window garden in. And, as far as I know, the ex knows nothing of yard maintenance and probably hasn't done anything, which means she hasn't started watering yet, which means my yard (and my trees, and my grape vine) will all die. Oops. Not mine anymore. That's changed, too.
Before, I would spend quite a bit of time watching TV. I wasn't quite a couch potato, but I'd watch the History Channel, and the few good things on SciFi (I refuse to use the new name), and I would watch a lot of sports. Now, while I have a TV, for the first time in my life (really!) I don't have cable. I have the TV hooked up to the computer and do netflix and hulu and the new Amazon streaming thing. Which means, on mornings like today I can't grab the remote and just surf around until I find something interesting on. I have to know what I want to watch and then go find it.
Speaking of TV and sports, I've always been a big college basketball fan, and so March Madness has been a favorite time of year for me. Every year since my oldest was born, me and the now-ex, and whichever kids were old enough to speak filled out brackets. Then, the first two days of games the ex would take off work to watch them on TV, while I would most of the time move my laptop into the breakroom at work and work in there for two days, watching them on the TV in there. This year: no one to do brackets, no breakroom to watch the games in, and no cable to watch them on at home. And, for some reason, I really don't care. I haven't even tried to watch any of it this year -- and that counts for the entire season. Too much other stuff going on.
Last year at this time -- as in past years -- I'd be spending March planting seeds in pots in my kitchen window and getting all the lawn equipment and sprinkler system in working order. Then, around the end of March, beginning of April I'd have to start weekly yard work, as well as starting up my garden for the year. This year, I live in an apartment, and I don't even have any South-facing windows to do a window garden in. And, as far as I know, the ex knows nothing of yard maintenance and probably hasn't done anything, which means she hasn't started watering yet, which means my yard (and my trees, and my grape vine) will all die. Oops. Not mine anymore. That's changed, too.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Oh, yeah, other changes
I thought about editing the other post and adding this but decided to surprise everyone and give a short one.
Another big change from a year ago to now: last spring I was working furiously to finish my master's degree. I had been going back to school a class at a time while still working full-time for a full 5 years at that point. Then, in May of last year, I graduated. So, after 10 straight semesters of school, I'm now on my second without it. That's new.
Another: because a year ago I was a) not paying for two places to live and thus had more money, and b) was in full-on theological searcher mode, I was buying books like crazy from Amazon and doing some rather serious research. I was reading and writing up new classes to teach and all that. And now I'm not. I taught a class on Wednesday nights at church for 7 straight years. Now I'm teaching nothing. I have nothing to prepare for. No classes to teach, no research to do. There are certainly still personal questions of a theological nature, but I've already made my big decisions -- even if I haven't quite followed through on all of them yet -- and so what's the point?
Another: in past years, because my family was so important, I would often get asked by people at work or whereever to come over and do guy stuff and I would often turn it down because I had to do stuff with the kids. Now, I'm sitting here in this little apartment by myself most of the time (well, not most of the time, I'm not that isolated, but it feels that way sometimes) because when I call now to see if anyone wants to hang out they all have to do family stuff. Because all my friends are married and have kids. That's new.
Expansion on a previous one: work and what I do. Before, I was the techy guy who sat in the back in front of a computer all day and wrote code and analyzed data and, while I'd interact with the rest of team pretty well, and would put together presentations for briefings and stuff, I was the techy guy. Now, my job is to go to meetings and talk like I know what I'm talking about, and to give other people direction, and to write systems engineering plans and powerpoint briefings, and to draw little cartoons for the powerpoint briefings. That's awful new.
Another big change from a year ago to now: last spring I was working furiously to finish my master's degree. I had been going back to school a class at a time while still working full-time for a full 5 years at that point. Then, in May of last year, I graduated. So, after 10 straight semesters of school, I'm now on my second without it. That's new.
Another: because a year ago I was a) not paying for two places to live and thus had more money, and b) was in full-on theological searcher mode, I was buying books like crazy from Amazon and doing some rather serious research. I was reading and writing up new classes to teach and all that. And now I'm not. I taught a class on Wednesday nights at church for 7 straight years. Now I'm teaching nothing. I have nothing to prepare for. No classes to teach, no research to do. There are certainly still personal questions of a theological nature, but I've already made my big decisions -- even if I haven't quite followed through on all of them yet -- and so what's the point?
Another: in past years, because my family was so important, I would often get asked by people at work or whereever to come over and do guy stuff and I would often turn it down because I had to do stuff with the kids. Now, I'm sitting here in this little apartment by myself most of the time (well, not most of the time, I'm not that isolated, but it feels that way sometimes) because when I call now to see if anyone wants to hang out they all have to do family stuff. Because all my friends are married and have kids. That's new.
Expansion on a previous one: work and what I do. Before, I was the techy guy who sat in the back in front of a computer all day and wrote code and analyzed data and, while I'd interact with the rest of team pretty well, and would put together presentations for briefings and stuff, I was the techy guy. Now, my job is to go to meetings and talk like I know what I'm talking about, and to give other people direction, and to write systems engineering plans and powerpoint briefings, and to draw little cartoons for the powerpoint briefings. That's awful new.
So, new life, new blog
Some of the people who will find there way to this little journal will be people who knew me from my past blogging world. Some of you will, hopefully, be new. But for either group, I think I need to give a little background/update.
So, one year ago my life was completely and totally different. I was approaching 11 years of marriage. I was also approaching 11 years with the engineering firm I was working for. I was a deacon at one of the local congregations of the Church of Christ, and was teaching 3 classes a week.
I had a very broad circle of friends from both work and church - and while I've always felt a bit of an outsider in any group, I also know I was respected. One of the classes I was teaching for church was at the small group hosted at the house of a much older and wiser and respected man from church, and he put me in the role of teacher for his group. I was the youngest person there, and was teaching them. At work, I was doing the job I had done for 11 years, and I did it very well - writing simulations of systems, and then doing data analysis of the hardware systems, and letting the two halves interact.
As for friends, the best I had were a group that was just then getting put together, but would eventually be a small group Bible study before flying apart. There were three families, including mine, and one single guy and the only thing they had in common -- the only thing that brought them together -- was me. In the group, I had one very, very close friend, who happened to be female (as most of my close friends throughout my life have been), but I was also developing a very close friendship with the single guy in the group. The first real, close male friendship I've had in a very long time.
That was a year ago.
Since then, my entire life has rebooted. Hence the blog name.
In May of last year me, and two of the guys from our small group had a great big doctrinal fight with the elders of our church, and in June we all left that church - and, though we all left at the same time and for similar reasons, my doctrinal issues with it all went a lot deeper and were a lot more fundamental.
In August of last year I took a new job at a new firm. Work and money and such were getting very scarce in my old firm, and they were laying off a ton of people, and I got tired of looking over my shoulder. So, I went looking around and found an awesome opportunity. But, in a new place, with new people, doing something COMPLETELY different.
In September of last year, my wife decided my close friendship with my female friend bothered her, and demanded I end it. There was nothing inappropriate about it at all. There was nothing wrong. Certainly nothing romantic and adulterous. But, when my wife said stop, I did.
In November of last year, my theological issues with the Christian movement we were a part of started coming to a head. My family ended up leaving another church, but in two different directions because my wife wanted something that was more deeply Church of Christ, and it was the deep, traditional Church of Christ theology that I could no longer do. So, she and the kids went to the ultra-conservative Church of Christ in town, and I went to an Anglo-Catholic church across the street.
Then, in January, I come home from work to find a policeman in my yard serving me with divorce papers. In order to justify her actions to her very conservative friends and fellow church-goers, my wife accused me of having an affair, and spread that lie to anyone who would listen. And quite a few did.
The real reason, of course, was that she and my single guy friend, who I thought was the first real, close, male friend I ever had, are now quite the item.
So, new job, new Church, and now completely new life situation. Living not in the nice, middle-class house we bought 8 years ago right before my daughter was born, but alone, across town, in a rather lower middle-class apartment. Of my friends, those who weren't so much friends, but just aquaintences from our old church mostly bought the lie and don't want anything to do with me. My single guy friend - let's label him Bluto - thinks every word that comes out of my now ex-wife's mouth is gospel truth, and thus thinks I'm some sort of pathological liar, and hates me. Even while he tries to replace me in the lives of both my wife and my children. The other couple in the small group is still friends with me, but I know just having me around makes them nervous. Not that they'd ever admit to that or stop having me (and the kids, when I have them) over to visit, but I can tell they don't quite know what to do.
Of course, now that my wife has left me, I can at least be friends with my female friend -- and her husband -- again. Interestingly enough, since September her husband has become one of the most faithful and stalwart friends I have. We always got along and considered each other friends before, but not quite like this. So, that's all new.
So, brand new life. Outside of my kids -- which I get to see far, far too little -- and a few of my personal items there's not much in my life that was there a year ago. And I really don't know how to handle it all.
I mean, how do you handle that much change? That much change at once? My very core identity is at stake here. I used to always identify myself, primarily, as a husband and father. My old blogger log-in even had "husband" in the name. Fatherhood was the most cherished aspect of my existence I had. Now, who, on the most basic level, am I?
My therapist says I'm handling everything very well. Much better than anyone he's ever counseled in similar situations. Yet, that alone scares me. It's not normal to handle this sort of thing well. It's normal to freak out and go a little crazy. Yet, I'm calm. I'm rational. I'm reasonable when I have to deal with the ex.
I'd like to attribute some of that to faith. Certainly I feel closer to God than I did before. Before, I was in full-time searcher mode. Which is a fun and interesting intellectual exercise, but that's not devotion and relationship and all that other existential stuff I'm now engaged in. But I know faith isn't all of it. Or probably even most of it.
Some of it is that a lot of the change was necessary, even if it was painful. The marriage we had was in trouble for a long time. Several of the ministers and counselors we have seen together or individually over the last few months have, in the end, come to the conclusion that the two of us simply should have never been allowed get married because we really, really didn't work together and the marriage was more-or-less doomed from the start. And the new job is a good career move and has given me a very good situation (even if I'm really not all that comfortable with my new role yet).
But I know some of the reason why I'm appearing to handle things so well is less healthy. I know I've been checking out a bit, in a very deep way. I've had rather strong and persistent experiences of depersonalization and dissassociation lately. Which isn't good. I mean, I know that's all psychological defense mechanisms to help one deal with trauma -- and this certainly counts -- but when you factor in all the newness -- the me of today is really and truly not the same as the me of even 6 months ago and that makes it really, really hard to even know who "me" is -- things get scary. I depersonalize it, as if it happened to someone else that I'm just watching from the outside, as if I'm just watching a rather tragic play, and so that means I don't have to emotionally deal with it. Because, is it really me it's happening to?
So, I know I NEED to personalize it, and the only way I know to do that is to do it like I have always dealt with stuff - write about it. Think about it, process it, feel it, and then talk about it. To the ether. To the universe. I blogged marriage problems 5 years ago. Then, I thought it was all good and stopped. Then I tried to start again in September after that mess but then my wife and her new boyfriend started reading it, and that was just not-good on an epic scale.
But, now, she's gone and he's gone and this is a new blog for my new life. I need to write in this and I need to do it every day. To get my thoughts and feelings and experiences out. To talk it through.
So, that's the story. And, if you're new to my blogs, I'd like to tell you the length of this post is atypical of me, but the others that DO know me would immediately call me a liar. So, I'll not even try and make that claim.
So, one year ago my life was completely and totally different. I was approaching 11 years of marriage. I was also approaching 11 years with the engineering firm I was working for. I was a deacon at one of the local congregations of the Church of Christ, and was teaching 3 classes a week.
I had a very broad circle of friends from both work and church - and while I've always felt a bit of an outsider in any group, I also know I was respected. One of the classes I was teaching for church was at the small group hosted at the house of a much older and wiser and respected man from church, and he put me in the role of teacher for his group. I was the youngest person there, and was teaching them. At work, I was doing the job I had done for 11 years, and I did it very well - writing simulations of systems, and then doing data analysis of the hardware systems, and letting the two halves interact.
As for friends, the best I had were a group that was just then getting put together, but would eventually be a small group Bible study before flying apart. There were three families, including mine, and one single guy and the only thing they had in common -- the only thing that brought them together -- was me. In the group, I had one very, very close friend, who happened to be female (as most of my close friends throughout my life have been), but I was also developing a very close friendship with the single guy in the group. The first real, close male friendship I've had in a very long time.
That was a year ago.
Since then, my entire life has rebooted. Hence the blog name.
In May of last year me, and two of the guys from our small group had a great big doctrinal fight with the elders of our church, and in June we all left that church - and, though we all left at the same time and for similar reasons, my doctrinal issues with it all went a lot deeper and were a lot more fundamental.
In August of last year I took a new job at a new firm. Work and money and such were getting very scarce in my old firm, and they were laying off a ton of people, and I got tired of looking over my shoulder. So, I went looking around and found an awesome opportunity. But, in a new place, with new people, doing something COMPLETELY different.
In September of last year, my wife decided my close friendship with my female friend bothered her, and demanded I end it. There was nothing inappropriate about it at all. There was nothing wrong. Certainly nothing romantic and adulterous. But, when my wife said stop, I did.
In November of last year, my theological issues with the Christian movement we were a part of started coming to a head. My family ended up leaving another church, but in two different directions because my wife wanted something that was more deeply Church of Christ, and it was the deep, traditional Church of Christ theology that I could no longer do. So, she and the kids went to the ultra-conservative Church of Christ in town, and I went to an Anglo-Catholic church across the street.
Then, in January, I come home from work to find a policeman in my yard serving me with divorce papers. In order to justify her actions to her very conservative friends and fellow church-goers, my wife accused me of having an affair, and spread that lie to anyone who would listen. And quite a few did.
The real reason, of course, was that she and my single guy friend, who I thought was the first real, close, male friend I ever had, are now quite the item.
So, new job, new Church, and now completely new life situation. Living not in the nice, middle-class house we bought 8 years ago right before my daughter was born, but alone, across town, in a rather lower middle-class apartment. Of my friends, those who weren't so much friends, but just aquaintences from our old church mostly bought the lie and don't want anything to do with me. My single guy friend - let's label him Bluto - thinks every word that comes out of my now ex-wife's mouth is gospel truth, and thus thinks I'm some sort of pathological liar, and hates me. Even while he tries to replace me in the lives of both my wife and my children. The other couple in the small group is still friends with me, but I know just having me around makes them nervous. Not that they'd ever admit to that or stop having me (and the kids, when I have them) over to visit, but I can tell they don't quite know what to do.
Of course, now that my wife has left me, I can at least be friends with my female friend -- and her husband -- again. Interestingly enough, since September her husband has become one of the most faithful and stalwart friends I have. We always got along and considered each other friends before, but not quite like this. So, that's all new.
So, brand new life. Outside of my kids -- which I get to see far, far too little -- and a few of my personal items there's not much in my life that was there a year ago. And I really don't know how to handle it all.
I mean, how do you handle that much change? That much change at once? My very core identity is at stake here. I used to always identify myself, primarily, as a husband and father. My old blogger log-in even had "husband" in the name. Fatherhood was the most cherished aspect of my existence I had. Now, who, on the most basic level, am I?
My therapist says I'm handling everything very well. Much better than anyone he's ever counseled in similar situations. Yet, that alone scares me. It's not normal to handle this sort of thing well. It's normal to freak out and go a little crazy. Yet, I'm calm. I'm rational. I'm reasonable when I have to deal with the ex.
I'd like to attribute some of that to faith. Certainly I feel closer to God than I did before. Before, I was in full-time searcher mode. Which is a fun and interesting intellectual exercise, but that's not devotion and relationship and all that other existential stuff I'm now engaged in. But I know faith isn't all of it. Or probably even most of it.
Some of it is that a lot of the change was necessary, even if it was painful. The marriage we had was in trouble for a long time. Several of the ministers and counselors we have seen together or individually over the last few months have, in the end, come to the conclusion that the two of us simply should have never been allowed get married because we really, really didn't work together and the marriage was more-or-less doomed from the start. And the new job is a good career move and has given me a very good situation (even if I'm really not all that comfortable with my new role yet).
But I know some of the reason why I'm appearing to handle things so well is less healthy. I know I've been checking out a bit, in a very deep way. I've had rather strong and persistent experiences of depersonalization and dissassociation lately. Which isn't good. I mean, I know that's all psychological defense mechanisms to help one deal with trauma -- and this certainly counts -- but when you factor in all the newness -- the me of today is really and truly not the same as the me of even 6 months ago and that makes it really, really hard to even know who "me" is -- things get scary. I depersonalize it, as if it happened to someone else that I'm just watching from the outside, as if I'm just watching a rather tragic play, and so that means I don't have to emotionally deal with it. Because, is it really me it's happening to?
So, I know I NEED to personalize it, and the only way I know to do that is to do it like I have always dealt with stuff - write about it. Think about it, process it, feel it, and then talk about it. To the ether. To the universe. I blogged marriage problems 5 years ago. Then, I thought it was all good and stopped. Then I tried to start again in September after that mess but then my wife and her new boyfriend started reading it, and that was just not-good on an epic scale.
But, now, she's gone and he's gone and this is a new blog for my new life. I need to write in this and I need to do it every day. To get my thoughts and feelings and experiences out. To talk it through.
So, that's the story. And, if you're new to my blogs, I'd like to tell you the length of this post is atypical of me, but the others that DO know me would immediately call me a liar. So, I'll not even try and make that claim.
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